Okay y’all. It’s time to talk about this because the third time is a charm right?
Here is what is happened. When I found out I was pregnant with the Bug less than three short years ago I was over the moon. All glowy and excited the way first time mommies are. It was so beautiful and full of expectation.
And then it crashed. Because I had “morning sickness.”
Only instead of morning it was morning, noon, and middle of the night. Every night. And it stretched beyond first trimester. I was shocked. I wasn’t sure what to do so I shut down. My life while pregnant with Lily isn’t recorded on this blog. I couldn’t find the words to describe the disconnect between my hopes and my reality. I couldn’t share my guilt and my anxiety. So I just stopped sharing.
When I found out I was pregnant with Ava I cried. I was so happy to have her on the way but the cloud hung there. It wasn’t long before that storm cloud produced rain. Torrents of it. My time carrying Ava made Lily’s pregnancy seem tame. I went to a dark place.
I tried to talk about it though. I knew I needed to not shut down again. I was better prepared right?
My plan was to just keep finding the silver lining.
It was hard and I often felt false. I don’t do false well, it’s not in my nature not to fully express openly and honestly (Ask my mom how fun that was when I was a tween!)
However, it has been pointed out to me (very lovingly) that perhaps I was doing my sisters (and brothers) a disservice by not sharing honestly. Generally if we see or feel or are deeply affected by wrong or hurt we are in an amazing position to advocate and educate. We can turn our anguish into blessings.
So as I lay here at 6:00PM on a Wednesday night trying desperately to keep a Phenergen down with a newly lined trash can right beside my bed, as I lay here listening to the sound of my husband serve dinner and do bedtime rituals, as I lay here praying that this baby please be okay despite the dehydration and malnutrition, I have decides it is time to share my story.
Hang in there with me, you never know who you might be able to help.